peace (in a world of drugs and guns)

well i have had my trials. i know this, but the other day my confidence was tested. i felt like I had turned towards the world, that had turned away from me along time ago. sometimes life never seems the way it should be. sometimes, you feel like you have the world in your pocket, then you feel like your thoughts are deposits of sand, in a world that doesn’t understand. i would like to take this time out of my writing, say “hey, let someone else write, that the fight I’m fighting, isn’t worth fighting. that your writing, is flammable, set for explosion. and the chemical test is slowly eroding.

i never wanted to say good bye to the highs, the lows stay with me all the time. i almost checked in to the psych hotel, and said no way, I can do this. i can get through this. so I cleaned my mind, with turpentine and bleach. spread it out to dry, soaked out each thought one by one. left them out in the cold for awhile, till they remembered their home. each thought roamed and roamed, around walking the streets trying to find shelter, I wish they would come back. but be a little nicer.

so, i’m writing this, but who is the witness, to this. the TV blinked twice, it must be listening, my music scratches “I do” “i do” from the record player. i know I will never publish this. its just a way to cope with mental illness. maybe I will publish this, let everyone know that my mind has gone, packing for the sun. i need to find sunshine in my life, staying indoors in this cold cold world.

my mind will never let me pull the trigger, but it will let me write myself to sleep. there is nothing in this world bigger, then a liar trying to leap. i need to find some peace of mind. a peach in the summer sun. i need to find a
world of
peace
(in a world of drugs and guns).

2 Comments

  1. O Well….of mind

    Last week I climbed down a well to clean out the mud that collected on the bottom. I had to cut the end of the pipe by nearly two feet because it was embedded in the mud. Once the pipe was taken out of the mud, water could be pumped however the water pumped would be full of silt. So water was shut off in the house and directed to the outside spigot. I watered the lawn with the muddy looking water. The water and silt seemed good for the grass.

    The same night I after sleeping a few hours I found myself wide awake and thinking about my earlier experience in the well. However this time with a twist, the dug well and its components became a parable. The well seemed to represent my life, everyone has dirt or problems in their life and we all try to dig ourselves out from time to time. Or we become preoccupied with the mud or our problems. There also was water in my well, a source of life a good thing just above the surface of the mud. The pump or the power of thought in my developing parable needed to pull from the well water but could not pull mud. The grass was a living thing that needed water to sustain its life. My parable continued with the muddy water, it seems that our words and thoughts can bring life to the world around us even though we have dirt or problems in our lives. It made me understand how God could use he words of a preacher to change lives for the better even though the preachers’ life was messed up. It made me understand that when writing or speaking one might describe, defend or give excuses for the silt or let the water or words from the heart be life giving or thought provoking words of hope.
    The last part of the parable involved the very heavy well cap. It takes two or more to put the cap on the well. The purpose of this cap is to prevent other people from falling into our well. Let my words today help you put the cap on your well to keep others from falling past the water of hope into the mud of your well. Jesus said when two or more are gathered in HIS name He would be present. If your burdens are heavy, or not controllable you might ask Jesus to lend a hand with the cap of your well because you have an adversary hold the well open so you only see your mud. The cap does not remove the mud from the bottom nor will it take away the past problems. It will let you concentrate on watering the world with words of hope knowing that your words are not pure but come with the baggage of your inner struggles, disappointments and travail, O well of mind!
    Written by HIS House…. just now

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