12 steps

It’s 2:30 in the afternoon, I just woke up. Came to a realization today, I’m stuck. Stuck in a limbo life, that needs repairing, so much torment in my head that its not worth sharing. But sadness has struck a chord, like last night when I played the wrong song. And in my head, I realize that I am empty, that I guess I don’t belong. In my heart there is blackness like a smile that lacks sincerity, I guess in the end I am bruised internally, losing my head with no sympathy. It’s tough when you drink, and wish you could do more. Its tougher when you have to take 6 pills before you sleep, and more when you wake up and face the world. I know I have a problem, my hands they shake as I write this. Life is a nightmare, probably. When Its over, is there an end that really exists. And am I good enough, to change my head, my heart, and my soul, and everything else? It takes two to lie together, in a heart felt apology, from a broken house. I haven’t quite hit rock bottom, but the time is coming when I do. And all I ask is their forgiveness, for me who was never meant to be you.

Maybe I’m not that bad, just sick of staying stagnant
i guess in the end, its all just fragments of a puzzle,
a broken skull that feels damaged, but with bandages, I’ll be right back at it.

Maybe I’ll kick into high gear, reach my prime, and keep on and kick out the tragic, maybe there is more to me then this hollow shell, of years of mania and madness.

So here it is, mania faced with a drink that can’t be taken, shit, it’s this fool on the hill that makes me feel ill, every weekend leaves me stirred and shaken. I guess the light at the end of the tunnel comes with a message, to leave the world with good intentions, to break the monotony of melodramatics, and come real to the point of no backlashes.

so yeah, i had a bad open mic, maybe drank to much whiskey, maybe it will be better next week, November 30th I’ll try not so tipsey to stop talking on the mic, and come with it naturally and fuck all those people who boo and hiss, I don’t give a shit, its my time to sing twelve lines of a song, that I wrote sober and sang it shit storm. So maybe i shouldn’t dress my name to mean man the storm has no peace for pain. And maybe I should refrain from any substance that enters my brain, be it alcohol caffeine and definitley no weed. No lets try to heal each wound seperately, first goes the drinking, then the wack thinking, then those energy drinks i’m constantly drinking. Then when Im strong enough, I’ll get rid of the nicotine, and scourge my lungs. Yeah 12 steps to improvement. Keep searching for the new you. new job, new shoes, new world, new life. new everything nice, and keep it logged in when ever I write.

Maybe I should read a book, or write one

just another jagged thought by Jason

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4 Comments

  1. Its sad that you feel this way Jas…I know there is something out there for you that your meant to do, you just have to find it…If life was easy it would be boring.Everyone has there problems you may not see it by looking at them but trust me they do.You are meant to help people. Your so sensitive and caring…You should look that way and dont ever think about taking the easy way out!!!!

  2. I am sorry you are so sad. I wish that you weren’t. I wish that you could wake up in the morning and see all the good things that a day can bring. I wish for you INTERNAL PEACE with yourself. Please try to stay away from alcohol and non prescription drugs, all they do is mess with your head. Give trying for a more healthy way of life a try. Start small. I think you will see that changes begin with a good diet, exercise, no smoking and no alcohol. May sound boring, but I assure you there is so much you will want to do and see. Please try. I love you. XOXO YOUR SISTER AMY

  3. Dear Twelve Steps –
    Start with one step at a time. Our disapointments follow us like our shadow so keep your head up , you won’t see your shadow anymore.

    Listen to the heart of my response it realizes that we all get lost in our journey in life.

    I went to Cape Cod at sunrise
    A journey from darkness to light
    Isolation complete at Coast Guard beach
    So why travel so far,
    To be alone with your thoughts

    I went to Cape Cod at sunrise
    At Bourne the sun first appeared
    Yet I was thinking of my mother’s sunset
    As I traveled from darkness into light

    I went to Cape Cod at sunrise
    Alone looking for answers….direction
    The constant calm of the ocean
    Would surely bring me to a solution

    I went to Cape Cod at sunrise
    And sat with two seagulls
    The breeze stiff and cool
    Alone on a vast beach but not really
    My winged companions are by my side
    So Lord Jesus, Savior of mankind

    I went to Cape Cod at sunrise
    To find this broad space calm and inviting
    To hear a word deep inside
    But louder than my surrounding bliss
    So what say thee to my soul?

    I went to Cape Cod at sunrise
    To ask for directions to my purpose
    To seek council for my earthly journey
    To surrender my ill will towards others
    To find peace for my troubled heart
    To gather inner strength from my creator

    Lord, I went to Cape Cod at sunrise
    To find……You…..

    My tears inform me of Your presence
    I came to Cape Cod at Sunrise
    To have the Son shine on me

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