While I posted on this page regularly, I spent a bulk of Lent off of Facebook, only posting twice. For me, the hardest part about being off of Facebook wasn’t missing out on the newsfeed, it was not being able use it as an outlet to project my endless train of thoughts. I also realized how much I relied on Facebook as a source for breaking news. It took me a good week to find about Cardi B’s shenanigans, and other things. One thing I did during Lent was write down my endless stream of thoughts that I’d normally post on my Facebook. Here are some of my best from the last month and a half.
1. Date someone who sends good morning messages as consistently as the IT Helpdesk Hotline at your job when your password is about to expire.
2. Date someone who calls you as frequently as the Red Cross when you’re a frequent blood donor.
3. After all my years of living, I finally understand why they call it “Breakfast”. It’s that part of the day where you break your fast from the night before. “Break-Fast” I’m dumb 😂😂😂😂
4. If you see something cool on a website and have to call a sales person for the price, it’s going to be the most expensive thing you’ve ever laid eyes on.
5. The steeper the discount, the more expensive the item is. They just wanna give you the illusion of getting a good deal.
6. If you see a gas price that seems too good to be true in an area with commonly high prices, it’s definitely the cash-only price.
7. Lifetime really knows how to turn serious subject matter into a laughable movie that has you screaming “DUMB ASS!” to the main character every time they do something dumb.
8. How many movies do I need to watch on Lifetime about some mother who miscarried her child finding her way into the life of a pregnant woman in order to kidnap her child?
9. I’ve watched at least five movies on Lifetime that involve some woman who lost her husband from some unhealthy attachment to a new guy, get into his family’s life, and plot to murder his wife to steal her man.
10. You know your mother has been here for a while when she looks at one of the movies you’re watching and recognizes both actors from “One Life To Live.”
11. Every single one of these movies involves white people as the leads. This is probably the only time where I don’t mind not being represented. We’ve got Tyler Perry to make stereotypical movies about us. Lifetime movies are to white people what Tyler Perry movies are to black people, laughable caricatures of either side that are made more laughable when they attempt to cover serious issues
12. Tyler Perry’s Daddy’s Little Girls is the only movie of his that I can take seriously, and even that is a bit overdone.
13. I’m watching this show called “Extreme RVs”. These people are building super expensive RVs, yet they’re throwing in shitty TVs like Toshibas, and RCAs. What gives?!
14. While Matrix Reloaded isn’t without its flaws, the freeway chase still remains in my opinion one of the most ambitious sequences in an action film. It is also one of my favorite scenes to use when calibrating home theater systems.
15. Denon > Onkyo
16. NHRA Drag Racing is the most therapeutic thing to watch. There something soothing about watching cars dash down a straight line while hearing southerners hawking over car specs.
17. “If a Law and Order SVU” Episode cold opens with some black guy on stage getting recognized for something, you best believe he’s gonna get accused of sexual assault in under five minutes. There are SEVERAL episodes that open in such a fashion.
18. There are very few annoyances in the world that beat entering a brand new Trader Joe’s, and having to re-learn the layout.
19. Starting with Era Vulgaris, Queen of the Stone Ages’ album art game has been on point.
20. Queen of the Stone Age is in a long line of bands during a phase where I discovered most of my rock and metal from Guitar and Rock Band.
21. Specter of Torment > Shovel Knight, Fight me….
22. If you really wanna test the strength of your relationship, play Cuphead. Nothing tests chemistry more than walking each other through a myriad of attack patterns. Nothing tests selflessness more having to take damage to revive your partner before their ghost leaves the screen.
23. I Cosplayed as Arthur at PAX. People took more picture of my fist than they did my actual outfit.
24. Some woman who came to my office told me I reminded her of an ex-boyfriend merely because of my voice, and slightly awkward mannerisms. I’m not sure if I should be flattered or disturbed.
25. I can’t be that only weirdo that goes to a movie theater without friends am I? I have friends; I just don’t feel like coordinating group outings….
26. You know you’re old AF when you watch that scene in Captain Marvel when Carol crashes into the Blockbuster, us old heads laugh, and some kid asks his mother who is close in age to me why everyone is laughing.
27. It’s 2019, and people are still leaving the theaters before the end credits of Marvel films.
28. Am I the only weirdo who tries to find the center of the row in a movie theater for optimal viewing? The thing that sucks is that there’s an even number of chairs in every row at the AMC I go to, so I can never be in the exact center. It’s special kind of hell.
29. Captain Marvel is 2 hours of 90s kid fan service.
30. The Young Messiah and Nativity movies are historically inaccurate for one reason, and one reason only. St Joseph went through the entire bible without saying a damn word, yet you give this dude several lines in both movies.
31. Gronk trying to bunt a baseball with the Lombardi trophy is about as Gronk as it gets. You can’t get any more Gronk than playing baseball with a trophy it probably cost stupid amounts of money to make.
32. You ever light a fart so dank that even you’re disgusted with yourself? Like, that shit is vile! What the hell did I eat? *Shoves another boiled egg in my mouth while munching on Trader Joe’s everything crackers with garlic hummus*
Flemmings Beaubrun is an avid gamer and lover of music. When not working, Flemmings likes to spend his time whipping up dank beats for the masses. He also spends his weekends thrift shopping for rare video games and obscure electronics. Other times he’s in front of a TV with a giant bowl of cereal enjoying shows from the 90s.