The Epic Autistic Post Game Report (Week 1):

Alright guys, let’s just calm the fuck down bit okay? Tonight’s game is a prime example of what happens when you over hype a team.

You seriously didn’t think the Patriots would actually go undefeated in 2017, did you? Now that we’ve gotten that loss to the Chiefs out of the way, we can just worry about playing well and most importantly, playing smart. A loss is not a great way to start the season but, at least I can say this loss had a lot of bright spots to it.

1. Our team has solid talent on both sides of the ball, but members on both sides of the ball haven’t had much time to master this system. Last night I saw a really talented team with no chemistry whatsoever. The day we do find a rhythm, this year’s Patriots will be the somewhat unstoppable force people hyped it up to be, but for now we wait for both sides of the ball in sync with one another.

2. Mike Gillislee and Rex Burkhead were a welcome surprise and performed decently. If we can improve our blocking schemes, they’ll definitely have a great year. Our backfield is still solid despite the loss of LeGarrette Blount.

3. Dont’a Hightower going down kind of reminds me of what our defense looked like after we traded Jamie Collins to the Browns. I felt like our defense was back at that stage of trying to figure out what it is. We have very few easy games these first few weeks so, y’all need to figure out what you guys are real quick. Games against Drew Brees have never been easy and will get carved worse than people in Jason movies if we don’t get it together.

4. The offense isn’t off of the hook either. While there were some spots brighter than white clothes washed with Tide w/Bleach, you guys are severely lacking in chemistry. It’s like when a teacher decides to be daring pairs students together for a group project based on what they picked out of a hat. Not having Julian Edelman is going to hurt quite a bit, but it just means many others have to step up. There’s a certain kind of crossing route that Edelman can do with his eyes closed that we desperately need; it’s the kind of route that would’ve helped us greatly last night.

5. Maybe next time we don’t listen to Danny Amendola when he asks us to let him do punt returns. It’s not that he isn’t a good punt returner, it’s that he lacks the awareness that Edelman utilizes on plays like that to avoid the injuries. Concussion protocol is far more annoying than your standard physical injury because the time tables for that sort of thing are all over the place. We can either have him back next week, or in four weeks.

6. As bad as we played, we can’t take away from Kansas, who came into Foxboro ready to play a full 60 minutes of football. Clearly Atlanta’s Superbowl loss has served as a loud message to the other 30 teams not there this year how one should actually play the damn sport. Kansas, despite a lot of penalties and a few blunders on offense, managed to get their act together and play consistently well for the entire game.

7. The young guys on the Kansas side definitely showed up on one of the biggest stages ever. Props to Kareem Hunt. A fumble like that in your first game can really fuck with you, and only veterans are able to erase that from their minds and not let something like that mess with them the entire game. If he continues to play like that, he will have a really good time in the NFL.

There’s a lot of work to be done on both sides of the ball. If there’s anything I’ve learned in my years of watching football, it’s that the first five weeks aren’t always a good indicator of what the rest of the season will look like, especially week 1. This isn’t the first time the Patriots have lost in week 1. All three of those have resulted in Superbowl wins.

It should also be noted that getting smashed by Kansas during the season also resulted in a Superbowl win. To be fair, we endured a far more grievous beating three years ago. All of the haters will come out of the woodwork to spell doom and gloom; you’ll also know who the band-wagoners are because they will also be freaking the fuck out as if it’s impossible for the Patriots to lose. It’s as if they think it’s impossible for a team to prepare well against us. We’re not invincible guys, there are other teams in the league that that can play very well against us.

Everything is going to be okay; the Patriots are notorious for these odd adjustment periods that come as the result of injuries or, controversial trades. We’ll be fine and before you know it, the league will look exactly as it’s always been. The Pats will hover in the 1 or 2 seed, the Steelers, Chiefs, Raiders, Packers, and other usual suspects will enter the playoffs once more and, there will always be that random “flash in a pan” team that surprises everyone. Week 1 is often a week of false hopes and false alarms. Next week will be a new week with a new opponent and, a new problem.


Flemmings Beaubrun is an avid gamer and lover of music. When not working, Flemmings likes to spend his time whipping up dank beats for the masses. He also spends his weekends thrift shopping for rare video games and obscure electronics. Other times he’s in front of a TV with a giant bowl of cereal enjoying shows from the 90’s.