Poem by Marie Nazari

 

I will show you crazy

am I still crazy
when I forget to
cap my pill bottle
when I leave half a pill
on the kitchen counter
next to the knife
that was used to split it
like my mind
that I didn’t put away
and left my crazy on display

am I still crazy
when I don’t take my meds
because I want to feed the Thoughts
and starve my body

am I still crazy
when I run at 3am
because my brain’s on fire
and my body’s on fire
though it’s 35 degrees outside

am I still crazy
when I sleep all day
and the next day
and the next
because moving is pointless
because we’re all going to die anyway

am I still crazy
when I take ten laxatives
though all the other crazies I know
take twenty

am I still crazy
when I am episodic
not continuous
of a million disorders
not one
a guessing game, whac-a-mole
each month, each week, each day
each hour, each minute, each second

am I still crazy
when I try to vomit
each night
but fail
each night

am I still crazy
when I don’t recognize myself
in the mirror, in photographs
and a stranger looks back
when all is eerie and disconnected
and I proceed to stare at the monster

am I still crazy
when I have been reading
for two hours
but don’t remember
that I have been reading
for two hours
until my Self comes back
and sees that I am holding a book
and the clock hands have moved

am I still crazy
for being sane at work
but melting into overload at home
because everything’s wrong
because everything’s too loud
because I have spent 9 hours
making loud pizzas
and I have spent 9 hours in control
but when no one else is around
I will meltdown

am I still crazy
when I spend hours
analyzing whether or not
I am still crazy
when I am paranoid
of showing you this
and would tear it up
if it weren’t digital
I am still crazy
when I am paranoid
that you will ask
am I still crazy

 

Marie Nazari: “I am an autistic adult with severe mental illness who uses poetry, music, and art to cope. I graduated with a BA in English and currently tutor in English and ESL.”

Art can illuminate even the most elusive and difficult to comprehend ideas. Visual rules and tightly codified visual metaphors help scientists communicate complex ideas mostly amongst themselves, but they can also become barriers to new ideas and insights. Dr. Regina Valluzzi’s images are abstracted and diverged from the typical rules and symbols of scientific illustration and visualization; they provide an accessible window into the world of science for both scientists and non-scientists.

 

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