Mourning what never lived
What I murdered while I was killing myself
Mourning what could have been
Now that I realize why What became true
Hurt was my point of view
A better life, I killed you
Another’s better life
I think I misguided you
Every red flag was a security blanket
Anything that I could misread meant I could develop a narrative that fit my wounds
Perfectly
Everyone who has left me is better off
I meant them harm
My blind emotions put them second to my hidden truth
Screaming I love you but I fear you
I learned through you
Apologetically remember you
Everyone I have left is freed after the cut off
They may or may not have meant me harm
Yet felt as safe as thin ice
Cracking
It wasn’t void filling
It was lacking
Depth
My core untouched
Revealed
Treasures offered
They were there to steal
My harm lamb me out as the monster’s meal
Everyone whose footprint is on my back is better off
The people say they needed that lift
Everyone who never extended their hand is not a loss
Let me tell you about being strong
It’s exhausting
Having my young mind form in chaos in stress in neglect
Created an adulthood trap
I caught from the wild and kept anyone anything that allowed for chaos created stress felt neglectful
The comforts of childhood
My heart is not a fighter
My mind is a fierce protector
My soul is a vocal guide
My body is starving
Dehydrated from the lack of sleep nutrients respect
Everything I swear I promised it
Broken vows so my conscious could whisper
“You did good today”
You didn’t break
You forgave that liar another time
You overextended yourself and snapped back into place
By ingesting poison right to the face
You crumbled under the weight of the pressure you put on yourself and reformed
Good job somewhere sometime some place will come your reward
A fictional reality imagined
By hurt
A factual reality suffered through to satisfy hurt
This is what I’m suppose to do
Suppose to feel
Suppose to say
As a widow
A murderer
A victim
A witness
Truth be on the record I testify I’m distraught and begin to cry when I memorialize every time I realize what I considered joy was a run and hide
Then dry my eyes when I feel inside the present time to be still and seen
By Me
I’ve quilted a new blanket
I’ve grinded the bones and burned down the homes of every hurt
A mutilator an assassin
Rearview mirror passing flashes of every action I allowed because my sense for danger was disarmed by my tolerance for harm and my being lost in the wilderness of the Harmed
Wiped it off my map
Standing on the edge
The crossroad
The entrance
The exit
Different
Mourning
Slowly creating my new land
Where harm has no hand
Where chaos has no chance
Where stress has no reason
Where neglect doesn’t send its demons
Where medicine is crafted
Reciprocated
Protected
Where mirrors do not exist
Because all forms coexist
With respect
Your difference is welcomed here
Because I no longer embrace harm like an old friend
Or Anyone who comes along with the right song after studying the buttons on my sleeve
I listen now
Not dance for their
Entertainment
Anyone who comes along who feels like Home is no Home
Home is a fond caution
I’ve built new shelter
My new terrain
The unfamiliar is welcomed
Where fear is an excited anticipation to an exciting discovery
Instead
In honor of what could have been
I dare to create it.

 

Liza Zayas is a lover of writing and dancing and celebrates both as a singer and songwriter performing as Luna del Flor. You can hear her collaborative sounds and experience life through her storytelling. She invites you to dance. Her poetry seeks to initiate dialogue by intentionally expressing consequences of love, lust, ego and self-respect.