Apologies for Harming Your Hedges
To the Porters of the University of Cambridge, Clare Hall:
Esteemed Sirs,
As an American whose husband was a Visiting Fellow at your exclusive academic enclave, I would like to correct the record on an unfortunate occurrence caught on your closed-circuit cameras. In the event it was the subject of discussion in the Porter’s Lodge, please allow this clarification.
After suffering from an ear affliction for several weeks (pardon my American proclivity to overshare, but the root cause of the activity caught on camera is relevant here) I availed myself of your National Health Service and was provided a prescription for strong antibiotics.
Our flat was located two miles from the NHS clinic. I walked to my 2 p.m. appointment, delaying lunch so I could purchase something in town.
The NHS clinician directed me to begin with two pills, and I misheard that I was to take them “on an empty stomach.”
In central Cambridge I filled the prescription, took two pills as directed, and headed home. I walked over the bridge on the River Cam, threaded through the crowds leading to the library, and just when I was turning into Herschel Road, where our flat was in the very last building on that charming lane, I developed an overwhelming digestive distress.
As you are well aware, the lane is several blocks long, with Clare Hall buildings set behind fences lined with holly and ivy; to my great relief, I didn’t pass a soul.
The further I walked, the more my discomfort grew, until I was unleashing an ill and mighty wind, and struggling to contain my vital organs.
Then the full fury of two antibiotic pills on an empty stomach was wreaked upon my person; with the force of a fire hose, I coated the holly and sprayed the ivy with what should have remained within.
All down the lane I erupted, staggering a few steps and then renewing my assault on the guiltless greenery, all in view of your closed-circuit cameras.
To a Porter on duty in the Lodge, and to all who viewed my progress down the lane, it would appear that I was suffering the deplorable consequences of disreputable day drinking.
Sirs, I would like to clarify that what you witnessed was a medical, and not a moral, mishap.
Deepest apologies,
Andrea Gelfuso
Andrea Gelfuso is an environmental lawyer and the author of My Modena, A Year of Fear, Laughter, and Exhilaration in Italy. For the past five years she has served as a Prelinary Judge in the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop Humorist in Residence Program, where she receieved a standing ovation when she performed stand up in front of 200 Erma attendees, including “Saturday Night Live’s” Larraine Newman, who stood up, and laughed.
I can see it now, and thanks. Still laughing.
While I sympathize with Andrea’s plight (purely wretched! ), this is hysterical! The visuals! “What should have remained within” sounds like the title of a horror movie!
I almost feel bad for laughing at your obvious distress; however, I appreciate your American oversharing and the humility required to publicly laugh at yourself.