Jagged Thoughts # 17: New Chapters

Rays of sunshine
Streaming through the
Red line window
That feeling that
this is meant for us
That we are where we should be
On this journey
From manic highs
To
Suits and ties

Sometimes you can
Only write in your notebooks so long
Till you have to share it

Then the last page is over
And time to renew and write

New chapters

Like
Laughter ringing from the trains brings me back to the haunted
Hallways of Belknap
When they made a decision.
Where my first prescription was written.

You can’t stand still
Having trouble concentrating?
Take this prescription for Ritalin
And see me in two weeks”
Two weeks past
And the anxiety increased
Take this depacote for your mood
And take this trazadone for sleep
I was trying to.

I was nineteen
When I first lost it
Thought I was a prophet
Thought I could see myself in stars
Thought sleep was an option
And I opted out of it
Found sleep to be less interesting
Really listened to my inner voice
Speaking
and it began to talk
And talk
And talk
Sleep was always in my eyes
But I had an overactive mind
And people took notice
My lack of focus
My mumbled spirit
Each word was a prayer
Each time
I felt better
I felt good
I felt too good
I was the link between human
And superhuman
I was everything
I was the king
Longing for my princess in
Another kingdom
I was the shit
And I slipped
And flipped my life
And took two steps forward
And years back
While friends were taking finals
I made an attempt to make life
final.
The mania turned into
Lost thoughts
Medicine and depression
Lost time
Untamed aggression
Why did I have to be a martyr?
Was my thought progression
I was no martyr
I was a broke manic kid
Trying to make sense
Of the life I lived

I was
Once a king
And then dipped below sea level
To fits of depression
And medicine

That was years ago.
I’m still manic but I learned how to stop it
lost a lot but gained a lot
From it
depression remains my copilot
God took a seat in the back

But I am still standing
And I thank him for that
And the friends I still have
And that I’m a college grad
And I got a poetry mag
And a loving mom and dad
And a love I never had
I have

so what if I have to take pills for the rest of my life.
And have trouble sleeping at night
I have Lisa and she fits me just right
So much that she’s in line to be my wife

There is hope from all of the confusion
Just keep swimming
And you’ll eventually reach your own shore.

Keep socks In your shoes when you walk
Or the blisters wills come
And enjoy the red line sunshine
Because the winter will come

and keep living
like you’re dreaming

Keep living like you’re dreaming.

 

Jason Wright is the founder and Editor of Oddball Magazine. His “Jagged Thoughts” column appears weekly.

 

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