Artwork © DL Polonsky


For Parody Use Only

Federal Security Regulations as Amended by Donald Trump

These are the best security regulations, a beautiful set of security regulations, even better than all the security regulations that came before. If George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Jesus Christ created security regulations, they wouldn’t hold a candle to these. From now on, these security regulations will replace those promulgated by FDR, Antifa, and radical left-wing Democrats.

Donald J. Trump
8 August 2022 20 January 2021

Security Clearances
A security clearance is an honor bestowed by the federal government indicating that you’re someone in the know, an insider possessing information that makes you smarter than the other guy. Holders of security clearances SHALL use every opportunity to remind those who don’t of this fact.

Classification Levels
Documents are classified according to three levels
CONFIDENTIAL – Documents that can be traded for a free meal or drink, the kind of lightweight stuff you’ll find on Hillary’s server
SECRET – Documents that can be obtained by foreign nationals who rent rooms in the Trump International Hotel
TOP SECRET – Documents that can get the Trump organization out of bankruptcy
In addition, some documents may be labeled Sensitive Compartmented Information (SCI). Revelation of these documents SHALL be reserved to impress only the most special foreign leaders such as Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping, and Kim Jung Un but not losers like Macron.

Storage of Classified Information
If not left unattended on one’s desk, classified documents SHALL be stored beneath a mattress or under a pile of dirty laundry. If not feasible, they may be photographed and posted on Twitter. As of 8 January 2021, classified documents SHALL be posted on Truth Social instead.

Transmission of Classified Material
Classified material may only be transmitted to those who 1) will express admiration for the transmitter’s access, and 2) repay the transmitter at a rate commensurate with the document’s classification level.

Destruction of Classified Material
When no longer needed, classified documents SHALL be turned over to Nikolai who will spirit them out of the country far from the hands of Merrick Garland, Nancy Pelosi, and radical left-wing Democrats.

Nuclear Codes
From this point forward, the nuclear launch codes SHALL be changed to “Password” as all those letters, symbols, and numbers are too much of a bother to remember.

For Parody Use Only


Jon Wesick is a regional editor of the San Diego Poetry Annual. He’s published hundreds of poems and stories in journals such as the Atlanta Review, Berkeley Fiction Review, New Verse News, Oddball Magazine, Paterson Literary Review, Pearl, Pirene’s Fountain, Slipstream, Space and Time, and Tales of the Talisman. Jon is the author of the poetry collections Words of Power, Dances of Freedom and A Foreigner Wherever I Go as well as several novels and short story collections. His most recent novel is The Prague Deception.

DL Polonsky is a Boston area artist, writer, and filmmaker. His caricatures have appeared in The Boston Herald and His written work includes the children’s book The Letter Bandits from T.B.W. Books.