Jagged Thoughts #3: Missing Dad

I miss my dad
I need to talk to him again
I realize life is short
And good times we’ve had
In the past
Maybe I’ll call him
Update him on how I’m doing
30 something stagnant
Barely moving
Seen through a world of misunderstanding
Trying to keep my head above
Water
I’m drowning god damn it
But through all the misery
Of my lifetime miniseries
I grow a little
Fall back a lot
Try to separate our histories
Sounds like I bit a Slug lyric
Didn’t mean it
Sometimes we have the same
Demons
Beast in the wilderness
Some people feast and some
People starve but I see shining stars
In all of us
The ones on the red line
The ones on the 89 and 87 bus
The ones out of breath
From walking up 72 steps
To get to a psychiatrists desk
To vent their secrets
To a psychiatrist who doesn’t talk
And you leave walking away feeling
Judged and unloved
But we live this life cause we only got one

yeah, I miss my dad
I miss talking all too traditional
About his religion
And mine
But we all have our own definition
Of spiritual
And all though I don’t believe in every word
I believe in good
And when I think of where my dad comes from
Growing up with thirteen brothers and sisters
Loving parents but so many in the kitchen
To leaving at 18 to fight for freedom
And coming home alone disillusioned
Heart bruised
Feeling something I can’t understand
I can tell why he is how he is
But still wars are fought every day from Afghanistan to Sudan
And all the soldiers coming back are just like him
So I understand why he found religion
Lost confusion with guns in hand
Just following his mission
But I still will never get it
What it’s like to be a veteran
I am a veterans son though
And I know he picked up a notebook
And began writing each word down
I respect him
Not everything he has done
But I’m his son
And when my mom and dad split
And everyone took sides
I stood in the middle
Through all the bullshit that was said and did
I was just a kid of maybe fifteen
And I was equally effected
So my doctor wrote me a prescription for Ritalin and soon came zyprexa
Depakote and lithium
Ups and downs with Anti depressants
And look at me now
Dependent on medicine
Labeled schitzo effective
But fuck it each episode has been a lesson
And here I am back from this trip from memory lane
Back to reality
Missing my dad wondering where all the time went
Rising son of a veteran
Venting on a train
Think ill call my dad
And see how he’s been
And think about the present
If its a gift then I opened it up
To allow me this eleven minutes
To distract myself and all the pain
That goes along with it
Being man enough to write it all down
And not stop rhyming
Knowing I got problems
But strong enough to admit it
All the bullshit
Knowing my time is the present

 

Jason Wright is the founder and Editor of Oddball Magazine. His “Jagged Thoughts” will be an ongoing feature on this site.

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