Photography © Jennifer Matthews

 

In Defense of a “Bad Habit”
a pantoum about dermatillomania

The blood is
the sign of a pulse. I am grounded
in scratching for a built up hole in my chest.
It doesn’t make it go away.

My pulse is a sign of where I am grounded.
Peel the scab. Press it
away. It makes it better, doesn’t it?
Only chance I can feel something.

When peeling and pressing a scab,
the slightly less numb the hole feels
is the only chance I will feel something.
How can I let my fingers rest?

The hole feels slightly less numb.
It’s not that I haven’t tried to stop the scratching.
My fingers cannot rest, but
I crave a calm outside of the compulsive kneading against discolored craters.

I haven’t stopped the scratching. It’s not that
the vibrations of an unnecessary alternate dimension ought to continue.
Compulsive kneading against discolored craters is not what solely makes
          me calm;
but there is the blood.

 

Maya Williams (ey/they/she) is a religious Black multiracial nonbinary suicide survivor who served as Portland, ME’s seventh poet laureate for a July 2021 to July 2024 term. Eir debut full length poetry collection Judas & Suicide (Game Over Books, 2023) was selected as a finalist for a New England Book Award. Their second full length poetry collection, Refused a Second Date (Harbor Editions, 2023), was selected as a finalist for a Maine Literary Award. They won two chapbook prizes: What’s So Wrong with a Pity Party Anyway? won Garden Party Collective’s Chapbook Prize in 2024 selected by mónica teresa ortiz; and Feminine Morbidity won The Headlight Review’s Chapbook Prize selected by Olatunde Osinaike in 2025. Maya is also proud to have contributed prose to venues such as The Rumpus, Black Girl Nerds, LGBTQ Nation, Interfaith America Magazine, The Daily Beast, Honey Literary, and more.

Poet/Photographer Jennifer Matthews’ poetry has been published in Nepal by Pen Himalaya and locally by the Wilderness Retreat Writers Organization, Midway Journal, The Somerville Times, Ibbetson Street Press and Boston Girl Guide. Jennifer was nominated for a poetry award by the Cambridge Arts Council for her book of poetry Fairy Tales and Misdemeanors. Her songs have been released nationally and internationally and her photography has been used as covers for a number of Ibbetson Street Press poetry books and has been exhibited at The Middle East Restaurant, 1369 Coffeehouses, Sound Bites Restaurant in Somerville and McLean Hospital.