‘Twas The Truth About Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
when in the North Pole,
a strange, mysterious wind did blow
then Santa’s pet emus
buried their heads in the snow.
The reindeer got loose
and ate every dreidel from the Chanukah bushes.
Mrs. Clause got drunk
and pinched all the male Elves on their tushes.
The lady Elves later found her
passed out in in her easy chair,
drew multi-colored dicks on her face with sharpies
and cut off her hair.
This year Santa secretly bought a dozen drones
to fly presents down chimneys
so he wouldn’t dirty his suit
making his yearly thousand-dollar dry-cleaning bill moot.
He hovered over houses
and directed the drones with a remote control
He was saving so much time
he yelled “Fuck yeah, Santa Baby, rock-n-roll!”
What happened next
qualified as a Christmas clusterfuck.
when the reindeer started sporadically dropping
undigested dreidels from their butts.
The Jewish toys broke sky lights,
damaged rooves and countless cars
not to mention poor Santa’s
therapy bill and emotional scars.
The whole situation caused Santa
enormous guilt and shame,
despite the fact that the gentiles
learned to play the dreidel game.
Insurance paid off damages
since no one believed in Ole Kris Kringle,
a fact that made Santa smile
and gave his soul a little tingle.
He got home and saw empty schnapps bottles
next to his unconscious wife
then told himself that, for the most part,
he lived a pretty decent life.

‘Twas the morning after the night before Christmas
when Santa discovered his beloved emus
had frozen to death after
burying their heads in the snow
which was the tip of an iceberg
of traumatic emotional blows.
So he plucked their feathers
and carved out enough steaks for a year,
then fixed himself a sesame bagel
with lox, onions and a nice shmear.
While he drank his coffee, he asked the Mrs.
about the dicks drawn on her face
She railed about the elf bitches,
and how she’d put them all in their place.
He just smiled at her, nodded yes and fantasized
about changing his name and face
then running off to Rio de Janeiro
and disappearing without a trace.

Yes, this story is 100% true.
And now the truth is out
that Santa is a Jew.

 

Bryan Franco is a neurodivergent, gay, Jewish poet from Brunswick, Maine. He competed with the Portland, Maine Rhythmic Cypher slam team in the 2014 National Poetry Slam in Oakland, California. He has facilitated poetry workshops for Brunswick High School, Tumblewords Project, and Phynnecabulary. He hosts Café Generalissimo Open Mic, is a member of the Beardo Bards of the Bardo poetry troupe, workshop facilitator, painter, sculptor, gardener, and culinary genius. His book Everything I Think Is All in My Mind was published in 2021.