Audreality NYE

Last week, I was one of about fifty stagehands loading in the theatrical production of Lion King. Everyone wears black. It was NYE, so I had a little extra flare: my top had black sequin shoulders. Plus, shorts with purple tights and faux garter fishnets. Torn between two party options, I settled on one that’s half as far from home.

Stan approached with a fistbump, “Still thinking about those parties?”

He lives in Portland’s outer east side. I’ll never not give him a ride.

“I did get dressed for it, but ran out of steam a while ago. I’ll give you a ride. Unless you wanna crash this party.”

“I’m good.”

We’ve worked together a long time, so he hears some of my juiciest stories. He can remember, sometimes better than me, who I’ve been in sticky situations with. In the car, I unleash. Basically a monologue, because Stan isn’t very talkative. When he does talk, it’s a deep voice, at low volume. Almost inaudible.

“You know about the Cop.” I reminded him: “He’s the beefcake I met running stairs. A veteran, who dates strippers. He’s bi, sometimes he goes to sex clubs. He told me once, ‘You heard of Come Queens. Well, I’m a Come King.’”

“Are you serious?”

“It’s not cool though, being friends with a cop.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“I just didn’t know he was a cop when I met him. But then I was in too deep. Anyway, I think you also know about Comedy Boy.”

“The goth one?”

“No, not Goth Puppy. So, Comedy Boy’s back and says he wants to fulfill my wildest fantasy. All I can think of is having the Cop give him the blow job he wants so bad.”

“What the-”

“He does improv and sketch. Not stand-up, because he’s not good at it. His words, not mine. I saw him perform and thought he was cute, so I slid into his DMs. Then, he sent me a pic of my own butt (from Instagram). I said, ‘If you like that, you’ll love this,’ and sent a tasteful nude. He said, ‘Now I have to send you one.’ And I’m like, ‘As long as it’s not a close-up of your junk.’”

I shoot Stan a knowing glance.

“It’s a far away pic of his junk. Kind of artistic – you couldn’t see the rest of him. Just a bare cock, standing behind a navy blue couch, like a lighthouse across a dark sea. It was hilarious. Of course I shared it with Lena.”

Stan nods approval.

“On our first date, I told him I shared it with her. The next morning, he sent a whole paragraph about why we can’t date and how I violated his privacy. He could have said a lot less. I have no problem forgetting people. My bad date motto is, NEXT.”

“Right, right.”

“Well, the other day I posted a leg pic, and he’s back in my DMs with the dick pics. I told him, ‘I thought you didn’t want to do this.’ And he says, ‘I do now. I really do.’ Begging for it. I was still kinda mad, so when he asked, ‘Can I put it in your mouth?’ I said, ‘Maybe, but only if you shower first.’”

“You said that?”

“He was a little stinky last time. But when he came over for our second date, he was freshly showered. We hooked up – it only lasted a minute – then we’re naked in bed and he starts talking about how he hates himself and he’s still devastated over his last breakup! Such a turnoff.

“I’m thinking, the Cop wants to suck dick, and Comedy Boy wants a blow job. I could fix both their problems. This is the closest thing to a fantasy I can come up with… And it could actually be a double win for Comedy Boy, because the funniest comics don’t even tell jokes. They just tell funny stories. He’s so young, maybe he doesn’t have enough life experience yet. After he comes on a cop’s face, he’ll have something to talk about.”

Stan laughed, rocking back and forth like he’s gonna fall out of the front seat.
“Do you want to come on a cop’s face? Because I can make that happen.”

“Naw.”

“Lemme know if you change your mind.”

Stan giggled, “You’re crazy.”

I pull into Plaid Pantry, Stan gets out.

“Thanks for the ride, Audrey. Appreciate you. Happy New Year.”

“Anytime. You too. Happy New Year.”

 

Audrey Goldfarb: “I’m an emerging CNF writer, based in Portland, Oregon. This short piece is just a silly bit that happened last week. A peek into Audreality…. I also produce unscripted gonzo journalism, with more than 200 episodes, and millions of views on youtube. That is, until recently, when I was permanently banned from the platform. (You can see some of them on my new website.) I’m not sure what’s going to happen with the web series, but in the meantime, I have a whole ass book, Welcome to Audreality: 30 Years of Slips, Trips, & One Major Faceplant. WTA/F follows my unusual path in Entertainment, starting and ending with an epic faceplant.”