Like it matters
what I say.
Voices in my head
tell me to go away
and stay away.

Something like a
broken-fisted boxer,
toxic in the positivity
he swallows. Like a
medium condom, too hollow.

Worst person on the planet?
be better tomorrow?
The signs of the time
are like Lucifer and Jesus
setting up to box.

And I am wondering if it’s
detox or stocks,
that I need to feel
something more like
the King of Nothing.

I am glad you like yourself
so much. Put your head
in an oven. I am glad you
like to throw stones.
Go date your cousin.

Detrimental mental,
you have been pushing me
so long. Let me do
the shoving. You call me
every name in the book.

You make me feel like
I should be ashamed
of me when all you all
have been calling me queer
since 1993.

You and her and her and you
and everyone under the sun
have been making me feel
underdone since I was
twenty-one.

You have all fucked with me.
And even though I glow
like gravity inside,
wanted to be #3 till you
tainted it, painted it,

rearranged it, twisted it,
limp biskit’ed it. Been nothing
but an empty needle waiting
for a syringe. Lost it. Lose it.
Never wanted to be it.

Been manic and feeling less than
since Eminem was calling people
fags, and they cancelled him.
I get it, I don’t care
about sexuality.

It’s not a detriment to be LBGTQ+
and be the number three,
but you have been calling me
fag for so long, to my face,
behind my back.

You gave me that ridiculous name.
Now I want nothing back.
Maybe Ben to have a heart attack
and Dan to take all of his
swastikas back.

And apologize to Widrow
for what they called him
behind his back. Maybe that’s
what I need to do.
Let go, forgive and forget.

All that stuff that happened
when I was fifteen still fucks me up
like a vet, like putting my dog to sleep
or shooting a soldier in the head.

I miss the world I could live
to be better. I’m so codependent
that the mind doesn’t exist
unless I go Code Red.
Fuck it all, go to bed.

 

Jason Wright is the editor and founder of Oddball Magazine. His column appears weekly. His third book, Train of Thought 2: Almost Home is available now at the Oddball Book Store.