Artwork © Eric N. Peterson

 

Parable of the Good Satanist

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.”

“And who is my neighbor?”

In reply Jesus said, “A man suffered cancer through no fault of his own. Chemotherapy left him weak and cost a hundred-thousand dollars per treatment. The hospitals saddled him a big, beautiful medical bill and he could no longer pay for electricity. A congressman noticed the destitute man sitting on his porch to escape the August heat and listened to the man’s plight. ‘If the government gave out free stuff, no one would work,’ the congressman said. ‘You ought to thank me. By keeping big government out of your affairs, I’m teaching you the self-reliance that made America great. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for the President’s prayer breakfast.’

“Next, an influencer noticed the destitute man. ‘Your problem was trusting mainstream medicine.’ The influencer removed a vial of powder from his pocket. ‘These Peruvian, frog bladders cure cancer, diabetes, and heart disease. I’ll sell you a gram for just four-hundred-ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents.’

“A passing CEO learned of the destitute man’s plight. ‘Our company offers a discount on drugs to those who qualify’ He handed the man a stack of forms, five inches thick, and looked at his Rolex. “Got to go. My plane for Aspen leaves in an hour.’

“Azrael, lead guitarist for the heavy-metal band Beelzebub’s Bitches, noticed the destitute man. The guitarist had a pentagram tattooed on his forehead and his crotch was a fetid swamp of bacteria from all the groupies he’d slept with. The destitute man explained his plight. ‘What?’ Azrael asked because loud concerts had ruined his hearing. The destitute man repeated in a raised voice. ‘That sucks, dude,” Azrael replied. He then paid the man’s medical bills, contacted the power company, and got the AC turned back on.

“Which of these four was a neighbor to the man who fell ill?”

The expert in the law replied, “The one who showed mercy.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

 

Jon Wesick has written over a million words in poems, short stories, and novels. Hundreds of his works have appeared in journals such as the I-70 Review, New Verse News, Paterson Literary Review, and Unlikely Stories Mark V. He is a regional editor of the San Diego Poetry Annual and host of the Gelato East Fiction Open Mic. His latest book, Reductio Ad Absurdum, is a collection of parodies. He lives in Manchester, New Hampshire and longs for gene editing to bring giant wombats back from extinction.

Eric N. Peterson is from Atlanta, Ga. He’s been drawing cartoons all his life. He leans towards the absurd, imaginative, and the surreal, as that’s where all the flavor is.