The E.A.R.: The Stages Of Driving The New York State Thruway


 

A Continuation of last year’s stages of driving the Mass Pike

1. “You’re now leaving Massachusetts, we hope to see you soon!”

Me 😭

2. “Welcome to New York!”

Me: You mean the land of thieves, murders, and every sports team we hate?

3. OH LOOK! A DRAGON! I JUST SAW A DRAGON Y’ALL! WAIT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT A DRAGON?! Wait, you mean those are just asshole New Yorker soccer moms, and men who use their vehicles to compensate for having small penises? Good to know.

4. That’s a big ass number next to “Buffalo.” 312 huh? I feel sorry for the poor soul who has to drive all the away there.

5. Exit B3? What is this? We don’t believe in numbers anymore?

*20 minutes later*

6. Only 12 exits, and they’re counting down quick! We’ll be there in no time.

*Another 20 minutes later*

7. Exits 24-61? That’s about 37 exits; how bad can this be?

*five minutes later*

8. “Next Exit 6 Miles!”

Me: This can’t be bad can it?

9. “Next Exit 5 Miles!”

Me: Oh this is great! We’ll be there in no time.

10. “Next Exit 13 Miles!”

Me: Okay! Now you’re buggin!

11. “Next Exit 10 Miles!”

Me: Not bad, we’re going back down in exit distance.

12. “Next Exit 17 Miles!”

Me: BRUH! 😩

13. WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE’VE ONLY BEEN ON THE ACTUAL THRUWAY FOR 30 minutes?!?

*70 miles later*

14. Uh, Uh, Uh-ti-ka? Wait! You mean it’s Yu-Thi-Ca?

15. *Sees exits for Rome, Amsterdam, and Poland*

Me: Don’t know if I’m still in upstate NY, or Europe?

*50 miles later*

16. What’s with all this traffic in Syracuse? Yo Syracuse be poppin right now.

17. *Approaches exit 41*

Me: Waterloo? Clyde? WHAT THE HELL IS A WATERLOO? Like, SKIP TO MY WATERLOO MY DARLING?!

*Does some research*

Me: So apparently it isn’t pronounced the way I’m reading it. It derives from a Belgium town name pronounced “Walloon”. But who’s the asshole name Clyde who got a town named after him?

*Does more research*

Me: It’s apparently named after a river that crosses the town. But who’s the asshole who got a river named after-

You know what? I’m gonna stop before Wikipedia hands me another L

18. After driving for three hours, I’m finally starting to see a that number next to Buffalo drop under 100.

19. There’s something very satisfying about watching the number on mileage signs get smaller.

20. I probably should’ve researched what kind of vehicles New York staties drove before I decided to speed on a foreign highway. Their hiding patterns are very similar to that of Vermont.

21. Thank God for Waze! They told me where the cops were REAL QUICK!

22. *Sees car with tire cover that says “silly boys, jeeps are for girls” along with the sticker “good vibes” where the “Os” are replaced by flowers*

Me: I hope I never become this basic…

*Sips pumpkin spice latte…*

23. *Sees signs for “The Finger Lakes”.

Me: Don’t know if the lakes are shaped like fingers, or if we’d solve a lot of unsolved murders by looking in the lakes, and finding people’s fingers? 🤔

24. “Next Exit 16 Miles!”

Me: I would’ve cared about 250 miles ago. Now the exits just blur together.

25. *1 hour later*

Me: Cheektowaga?! Y’all are killing me with these town names!

*Expects everyone to know how to pronounce Worcester, Leicester, Gloucester, Haverhill, etc like the Masshole I am*

26. Captain’s log, mile marker 420

After driving for approximately four hours in the wilds of upstate New York, I am finally starting to see urban environments. The exits are finally the same distance they were when we were in Boston.

27. *sees signs for Erie*

Me: Somewhere off in the distance, I see something that resembles the Kraken, or maybe it’s Leviathan; who knows. That’s a a trip for another time.

To Be Continued…

 

Flemmings Beaubrun is an avid gamer and lover of music. When not working, Flemmings likes to spend his time whipping up dank beats for the masses. He also spends his weekends thrift shopping for rare video games and obscure electronics. Other times he’s in front of a TV with a giant bowl of cereal enjoying shows from the 90s.

 

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