The E.A.R.: The Mile High Club


 

I took another trip 30,000 ft in the air for the second time this year with a third coming in October. This is probably the most I’ve ever flown. The first time I flew this year was to go out to Portland Oregon with my girlfriend. This time, I flew solo to Atlanta. I’ll be flying again with my girlfriend for a trip to San Diego.

I’m not gonna lie, traveling alone for the first time had me feeling anxious. In all the years of my existence, I’m used to having someone else manage my itinerary. Someone has already figured out when we’re taking off, when we’re landing, our transportation accommodations for when we land and everything in reverse. A part of me was dreading this trip a bit. It wasn’t the end goal of this trip I dreaded (a reunion with college friends). I dreaded the planning that had to go into this. My executive functioning difficulties make planning/coordinating things like this a bit overwhelming at times. Thankfully I had a friend find a really great deal on this flight. Until then, I was planning on driving down there, which would’ve taken forever.

There I was, on a plane, with no one I knew. It’s way more fun to travel with people you know. My girlfriend made the perfect travel buddy, so I missed her quite a bit. Let me share some flight ramblings I had during my first solo flight.

1. Us Haitians tend to be late for many things; funerals, weddings, parties, church. You name it, we’re late for it. Shit, we’re even late for our own funerals. Flying is one of the few occasions we’re actually on time for shit. Gotta leave extra time for TSA to either cop a feel or give us a free prostate exam.

2. I didn’t even give TSA the luxury of yelling at me to take off my shoes. I walked into that damn line barefoot in order to make both our lives easier.

3. I still don’t understand why EVERY major electronic component has to come out of my bag. Our tax dollars pay for this mess of a system, and we can’t get advanced scanners?

4. Yay! I finally made it through, though I didn’t get my complementary prostate exam. Maybe if I come through with something illegal, that’ll change real quick. 😉

5. These airport seats are super uncomfortable. Never sleep at an airport unless you absolutely have to. It’s a miserable experience.

6. Oh it’s boarding time! Group D doesn’t sound too bad. Who are all these people getting called before group A? Are we ever going to get to group A. Sometimes I wish I flew enough to be one of those rewards members that get called first, but that seems like too much of a hassle.

7. Yay! I’m finally on the plane. I’ve got an edge seat too. I don’t gotta bother anyone to use the bathroom.

8. I really gotta poop. I wish I pooped before we boarded. Now I gotta wait until we’re up in the air.

9. Once you’ve watched Virgin Airlines “Safety Dance” video, all other safety briefings pale in comparison.

10. Seriously! Watch the safety dance.

11. I hit some button somewhere, and accidentally switched the TV to Fox News. Help?

12. Oh here I go; I changed it to NFL Network. Crisis averted!

13. Oh sweet, the bathrooms are vacant. Time to poop.

14. Pooping is actually quite hard with turbulence.

15. Whatever you do, don’t flush while you’re sitting on the toilet. Trust me on this one!

16. At least the WiFi is free this time around. Once upon a time I spent $60 on in-fight WiFi for a six hour flight. I never heard the end of it from my fiscally responsible girlfriend.

17. My hands are hella dry. Thankfully the sistah in front of me hooked me up with some lotion. I don’t care if my hands smell like apples. They’re not dry anymore, and that’s all that matters.

18. Gum is great when ascending, and staying up in the air. It doesn’t work well when you’re descending. There’s something about descent that really gets to my ears.

19. People actually have sex in these bathrooms? Sex during turbulence seems ideally hot, but I could imagine that not ending well. It sounds like an episode of “Sex Sent Me To The ER” waiting to happen.

20. *Watched news on TV next to me* “PLANE NARROWLY MISSES TRUCK DRIVING ACROSS RUNWAY!” Yeah, that’s a great report to see while stuck in this pressurized cabin of death!

21. My ears are really starting to hurt. We must be starting to land.

22. MY FUCKING EARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

23. SWEET BABY JESUS! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

24. *Uses Valsalva maneuver for the next 20 minutes* My lord that is so much better!

25. Ah, we’re finally on the ground. Thank the Lord we didn’t crush a van like in that news report!

26. And now we sit on the tarmac for an eternity as we roll to the gate, and all try to get off this plane at the same time.

 

Flemmings Beaubrun is an avid gamer and lover of music. When not working, Flemmings likes to spend his time whipping up dank beats for the masses. He also spends his weekends thrift shopping for rare video games and obscure electronics. Other times he’s in front of a TV with a giant bowl of cereal enjoying shows from the 90s.

 

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