The E.A.R.: Knee-Jerk Reactions to Shopping at IKEA


 

This past weekend I had the opportunity to shop at IKEA, the magical furniture theme park that aims to rob you of your life savings all while feeding you scrumptious Swedish Meatballs. Here are some reactions from my trip to find a futon.

1. I was expecting some small store, but nope, this is a big ass store. It’s like the final fortress in a video game.

2. Just follow the damn arrows. Missed something in the last section? Well too bad! You gotta follow the damn arrows or you’re gonna have a bad time.

3. “Hi, we noticed you were coming in for just one thing. Well here are a bunch of things, and they’re pretty cheap too”.

4. I don’t need it!

5. I definitely don’t need it!

6. I NEED IT!!!!!!!!!!

7. This is the most over stimulating place I’ve been to. There’s too much going on here.

8. *a dramatization of getting lost*

Me: How the hell do I get out of this place?

IKEA Clerk: You don’t!

9. *finds nice furniture*

Me: Where do you find this?

Clerk: you gotta go to the hall of terrors and grab a cart.

10. Seriously! Grab a cart!

11. Me: All this walking and over stimulation is making me hungry. Let’s go to the food court.

12. This a lot of damn food!

13. This is a long ass line just for food. I think I’m gonna leave.

Ikea demons: Where are you going fat boy? Stay a little, the meatballs are wonderful! And while you’re eating, here’s a catalogue.

Me: Must leave; Ooh! A shelf!

If you plan on going to IKEA, say good bye to your family. Never have I ever visited a store that puts so much effort into making sure you never leave. Like, once you walk in you may never go home ever again. I left in one piece, but the succubus known as IKEA has claimed many with promises of stellar prices and food. I’m totally not going back to IKEA.

*plans next trip to IKEA*

 

Flemmings Beaubrun is an avid gamer and lover of music. When not working, Flemmings likes to spend his time whipping up dank beats for the masses. He also spends his weekends thrift shopping for rare video games and obscure electronics. Other times he’s in front of a TV with a giant bowl of cereal enjoying shows from the 90s.

 

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