Jagged Thought #186: I need to. Soon


 

I am the minister of defense
Defensive actions lead
To tearful climates
Rain drops limping along a lonely forest
I am pain.

I am not pain you get when you dance
Or love,
Or swing on a sunset
I am not that pain.

I am the energy it takes to write this sentence pain taken away with malignant storms
          fighting me into finding my path
A fight or flight panic attack I’ll kick your ass
Please lick it.
First.

I am a irrational callous.
Swimming in circles one oar beating the lonely radio waves SS
Trying to find a path
Yo this lighthouses bulb needs changing.

Yo soy sorry.
I am sorry for every intentional unintentional wave of fear anxiety and more I can’t
          name
Because banal and carnal are
Anal and analyzed.
Because I never wanted this.

I never wanted any of this.
I wanted bliss:
I wanted truth.
Not ruthless gangs carving me up like turkeys in dreams
Not witches telling me my destiny is to fail.
Not breed.
No this isn’t my night.

I am powerful: I am love:
I am a phone playing a video
That says I am powerful
I am loved.

Because I need to trick myself to believe
I have some form of worth
Not a wallet with no ones.
Not a empty swing set.
Not a tummy hungry.
Not a small box of smallpox
Given on a sun walk.
No
I fucking matter.
This is not a illusion.
I fucking do.
I need to. Soon.

 

Jason Wright is the editor and founder of Oddball Magazine. His column appears weekly.