Legs of the 90s Are Just a Squeeze Away

           It makes life fair. – Suzanne Somers

Some people are born with skinny legs.
They never have to wheedle their way
into pants. Some people are all work at it.
I used to be a bony airhead ’til I dropped
my boyfriend. Then I found
Thighmaster.
Every single time I squeeze Thighmaster,
it smacks me right where I need it. Psych!
It’s so easy to squeeze. Squeeze away
all my angst. Build up bulging hips and thighs,
numb my noggin.
I’ll probably never fit into my Bongo jeans again.
Thank you, Thighmaster. Bongo jeans were gross.
Now I don’t have to wear their stone washed ass.
Spandex leggings are cuter and sexier,
and Thighmaster doesn’t mind
my cellulite.
The problem with life is finding time
to be there. That’s not a problem
with Thighmaster. It’s hella quick and easy
and I can ignore anyone any time, even
in front of the TV.
Thighmaster. I may not have been born
with great big legs, but now
I can look like I was.

 

Artwork © DJ Barry

Artwork © DJ Barry

 

Cathryn Shea’s poetry is forthcoming or has appeared in Bitchin’ Kitsch, Dirty Chai, Gargoyle, Gravel, Main Street Rag, Permafrost, Rust + Moth, Yellow Chair Review, and elsewhere. In addition to a poetry chapbook, she is the author of dozens of software and database manuals (sometimes confused with creative non-fiction).

DJ Barry is a self-taught artist that lives in Middlesex, Vermont. He uses a unique method involving photo editing software, stencils, and spray paint. He often infuses pop culture into his work. Oddities are his specialty.